February 27, 2012.
I had a certain amount of trepidation going to my first Hot Foundation class at Sanguine Yoga. My only other hot yoga experience was at a Bikram studio in Toronto and I came away from that class extremely intimidated and discouraged, so I was expecting something similar and had a hard time relaxing before the class started. I signed up for an unlimited 39$ month and thought "well, at least I don't have to keep going if it doesn't work out/work into my schedule/make me feel good/insert excuse here."
That first class changed my life.
"All you have to do is show up," said the instructor. "Even if you just sit on your mat the entire class, you made it in the door." And I thought "Hey, I can do that! Even after a 12 hour shift, I can show up and sit on the mat."
I busted myself that class. I was shaking and dripping at the end, but I managed to pull off most of the poses, and more importantly--I felt good doing them. The language was easy, I could "see" my body where the instructor was leading it and I didn't need to look around at other people to know when my form was good. The pace was perfect and the overwhelming feeling in the entire class was so positive. My heart was very open the entire time, which hasn't been happening for me lately.
And at the end of the class, resting on my mat, I started to cry. It came from a deep place, a well of unhappiness--not with my work, or my relationship, or my living situation, but with ME. My body in particular, my goals and dreams off track because of my body. I am limited by my weight, limited by the lack of fitness in my life, and the overwhelming sadness and poor self esteem that comes from this. The lack of energy, the self-loathing whenever I sabotage a good fitness routine. It comes from me, and I had been letting it win, over and over again. It is ruining my health and happiness. I take it out on my husband, I allow it to wall me off, I carry a chip on my shoulder because of it.
After that first hot class, for the first time since I was my "skinny" self back in Europe, ten years ago, I felt like I was winning. That is what yoga gave me.
So this will be a continuing journey. I went to 7 classes this month, which isn't as many as I'd have liked, but I kept going. I went after day shifts and after night shifts. I went in the morning and in the afternoon. I went late at night. Sometimes I sat on my mat more than others--but that's happening less and less. And I am feeling different. Positive. Alive. Energetic.
So now I'm a member--I'm in. I ordered a mat and towel from Jade Yoga. Expensive, but worth it. I have a self confidence I can practice in my basement. It's priceless, and I am on my way!