It's been about a month since I last wrote anything--this is what usually happens: after I try my hand at poetry, I subsequently decide that there isn't any point in my writing ANYTHING anymore, because I'm not very good at poetry!
Anyway, my life is, on the surface, not much different than it was a month ago. I'm still seeing someone who amazes and challenges and compliments me--but it's the fact that he makes me laugh out loud when I'm not expecting to that makes me the happiest. I'm still in school--with five weeks left in my undergrad I'm starting to really think about what I'm going to "do" with my life. I'm excited about having a new job--and even though I'm a little nervous about the very first few shifts, I am REALLY looking forward to putting to use all of the things I've learned in the past four years. I'm doing crazy clinical shifts, getting my last few assignments out of the way, and working whenever I can (with the occasional call to the 'rents for what will probably be my last withdrawals from the Bank of Dad for a good long while, if not forever...*sniff*).
What is underneath the surface, though, is changing. It's been so subtle that I didn't notice it at first, but I am slowly getting back to that place in myself that is radiant, and joyous, and confident. I trust myself. I trust my emotions, and intuitions, but am becoming more and more adept at also questioning them and not letting them dictate my immediate reactions. I'm starting to communicate again--imperfectly, but it's still there. I don't feel the need to talk about everything over and over again to be comfortable with it. The last remnants of my last relationship are being shrugged off, as are the far-reaching effects of my experience with hormonal birth control.
What I am enjoying the most about this quiet transformation is my renewed ability to talk about theoretical ideas, to explore things which require effort from me--blogs and journals (my own and those of others), the Caveman's cartoons and some of the online comics he's interested in--(check out Sam and Lilah!)--
which, surprisingly, I am finding myself relating to and really enjoying, books about ideas, books about spirituality--things that I did not, for the longest time, have the energy to immerse myself in. It's just in the past little while, looking back, that I have been realizing how much energy I was putting into keeping myself whole and "sane." All of my resources were directed to the task at hand: surviving my life. Now that I am beginning to move out of that portion of my life and into this one, I am lighter--almost as if I've been shedding stones from my pockets, a few here, another there, a trail leading back the way I came.
I am enjoying my journey again--hoping that it will allow me to travel beside the ones I love for as long as possible, but open to the possibility of those paths separating, hopefully to re-converge. I am hopeful for myself and my abilities, and incredibly happy that I have the resources, once again, to go outside of myself.
Funnily enough, I think that some of these resources come from the patients I am in contact with. Giving to them, making them comfortable, doing the best job I can in the time allowed, walking away from a day feeling like I gave the best part of myself--these things renew me. I am more aware of my self and my own needs because I have to be, in order to meet theirs. I challenge my own biases in order to provide the best care I am possible of giving regardless of background. In these moments, I am sure I have chosen something much greater than a career--in this phase of my life, Nursing is a calling.
Good thing, too.....