October 1st, 2005

So lately I've been having some self-esteem issues (which are really new for me) and today I got MAD. I went shopping....Eaton Center...and I walked into my favorite cheap store, H&M, only to find that they have STOPPED SELLING PLUS SIZE CLOTHING. I was like "what do you mean, you stopped selling it?" and the lady said "It didn't sell well enough." She was the only person under a size fourteen IN THE WHOLE STORE. Jeez. Anyway, on to Old Navy, where I had little luck, and finally to Addition Elle and Reitmans, which both sell "fat clothes" (but most of it looks like something an 80-year-old color blind woman would wear). I looked in the mirror in Additon Elle and saw myself, just for a second, skinny--like my head on someone else's body. And I wished, for the first time in my life, that I was invisible. I felt that bad about myself. It's a strange feeling--I had, of course, had those off days when I looked in the mirror, but never had I compared myself to some ideal. It hurts to do that--for those of you who haven't, trust me, don't.
On the way home I happened to see the Dove Campaign--"Fat or Fabulous?" and wondered once again--why can't I be both? Why is it that people who are larger than models and porn stars are automatically seen as less attractive? Why is it that the abnormal is considered beautiful and the normal considered "average?" I mean, I love Dove and what they're trying to do, but there is not one seriously overweight person in their ads---there are normal-sized people, yes, but their idea of fat is pregnant.
So here's my feeling this evening--I am pissed right off and very much wishing that I could move to a part of the world where some solid curves are considered the epitomy of beauty. A place where I don't have to worry that my stomach isn't flat and my breasts sag....a place where someone has an appreciation for a healthy butt and a strong set of legs.....and one where I could feel a little less self-conscious walking down the street.
I'm sure this won't last....but it was eye-opening.
Off to the wedding tomorrow morning, and so excited!
Love and hugs

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