November 6th, 2005

I realized today that I've been missing a huge part of myself for months--the part of myself that looks beyond herself and gets involved in life. I was so focused on myself over the summer and into the fall that I let go of some of the things I enjoy the most about myself. I spent a lot of time avoiding anything that could possibly stress me out. This weekend I found, among other things, my ability to converse again. I rediscovered the social part of myself--the part of myself that has an opinion, and a voice, who can make a good argument. The part of myself that will volunteer to help someone without worrying about whether or not it's going to be too much, whether or not the stress will cause me to burst into tears at some unforseen point in the future. I missed myself. It feels so incredibly good to be back--this evening I took countless pictures of fall leaves on my new digital camera, and made my little cousins pose for me so that I could capture those beautiful faces. This weekend I had a glass of wine and a great conversation with someone I don't know very well because I didn't have the energy to get to know him until now. I revelled in old musicians that sound new to me because I haven't listened to them all long. I didn't rush from point A to point B and back again. I made a new friend or two, and cooked them squash soup from scratch, and they loved it. I found a new pub, and took a long walk. And somewhere in there I managed to re-certify my CPR course....
I don't know if this part of me is back around for good, and I'm sure there will be times when I don't see it for a while. But knowing that it's there, and remembering what it feels like to be completely myself and content......I appreciate what I have been through for the opportunity that it gave me--not to take myself for granted.

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