November 26th, 2005

Snow is what I woke up to on Thursday morning. I always get this funny little rush when I wake up to the first snow--you know how when you let a dog out into the snow the first time it runs around and goes a little nuts, snuffling and bounding? That's how snow makes me feel.

It's funny to watch people here during the first few days, though--everyone is a little more careful. My bellydancing class on Thursday night was only 4 of us, which is less than a third of what it normally is!
Speaking of which--yeah, I joined a bellydancing class. I've been going three times a week for the past two weeks and it was a slow start--I like the movements, like the idea, but kept looking in the mirror and thinking "this doesn't look very natural to me!" after our instructor telling us that these are some of the most natural movements a woman's body can do :) Thursday night I looked in the mirror and saw something different--a confidence, a smile on my face that hadn't been there before. I feel different when I'm moving that way, like there is something older working through me. I have the urge sometimes to just start dancing away on my own, complete
improvisation. That night I felt like I was worthy of the hundred dollar hipscarf I splurged on! (Jeff is going to hate it, I wear it around the house and practice jutting my hips side to side....it's pretty loud!)

Thursday was also the day when, on my way to bellydancing, something interesting happened. I got on the bus and a few stops later this beautiful older woman got on--she was about 60, with this wonderful way of moving, almost like a dancer but more slowly, gray hair pulled up and off of her face, and extraordinary cheekbones. She would have been fascinating all on her own--but she was also singing hymns in
latin, not caring that people were unabashedly staring at her and whispering to one another. She had this beautiful, strong, low, carrying voice and was perfectly on key. When I got off the bus at college she was still singing, looking straight ahead and completely lost in her own space.
I had my first exam yesterday--psychology--and was amazed suddenly to realize that we're already pretty much done the semester--next week is our last of classes, and my last exam is December 15th. I feel like I've been sleepwalking through everything, paying a lot of attention to myself and not too much to anyone else.
The attention is paying off, though! I still have on and off days--but they have more to do with my working out than anything else.
As the naturopath explained to me, when you skip meals and/or work out (I've been doing the latter and not the former) your body starts to use your stored fat as energy--and that fat has toxins stored in it as well, which are then re-released into your system and have to be dealt with. So for the past couple of weeks I've been noticing that directly after I work out, I feel blech for about a half hour, and a
little weepy even. I'm wondering if there is some toxic BCP stuff left in there somehow, that is slowly leaving my system. Whatever it is, it was a little disconcerting but after that half hour I feel wonderful, so it's onwards and upwards for me!
I also had an interesting talk with a friend yesterday who is seeing a counsellor about some stuff--and he's given her some homework, which includes catching her thought patterns and working through them in reverse to look at exactly how an overreaction or a particular pattern comes about. One of the things on the piece of paper he gave her was a description of something I do myself--justifying your negative thinking or feelings by saying something akin to "if I feel this way
now, it's valid that I'll always feel this way." I catch myself doing this a lot--over the summer especially, if something made me upset, I would justify myself, even if it was irrational and people were telling me to give it some time, by saying "this is a really strong reaction and this is obviously how I will always feel about this."
Obviously not true--but when you're in the middle of it, it seems that way. I'm going to get ahold of the whole sheet, which is about different ways we trick ourselves into thinking things are worse or different than they actually are, because I noticed that a lot of them are things I sometimes do.....

This evening I'm looking after Theo and Rosie and man, did I ever miss kids this fall! Probably good that I wasn't babysitting too much or working but I forgot how much fun they are. I haven't been four months without a nanny job in over 5 years! Crazy to think about. At any rate, we played in the evening and Rosie made me a lego birthday cake, which I was expected to blow the candles out on. Theo made himself a huge lego sword which fell apart promptly, and Rosie reacted to his distress by offering to wrap him up "all cosy" and serve him some "tasty cake" which he refused, sending her into a small fit.
Then it was up to the bathtub, where they played in the bubbles and made me wish I had remembered my camera. Finally, a show and some milk, and when I asked where I could sit, Theo beamed up at me and said "wif me." and made me rub his feet while we watched! He has such a wonderful solemn expression when he's concentrating, and then he smiles and his whole face crinkles up into this imp-like countenance that is absolutely irresistable. And Rosie is simply more precocious than any two-year-old I have ever come across. I keep telling people that even if only half of that gene pool is blood relation to me, I'm going to have damn cool kids!

Anyway....I'm drinking a Stella that Mel was good enough to put in the fridge for me earlier, the dear :) She really is something else--she always looks at me and sees the best part of me, no matter what I feel like inside. Being able to do that is truly a gift.
Tomorrow I start a psych essay due next week, and put together my not-so-professional professional portfolio for Friday morning, when I have my midterm evaluation with my clinical instructor. I'm liking clinical more and more--it's overwhelming, and there is always something new to learn, but I don't ever find myself bored! Which is pretty amazing, considering it only gets more complex from here. Next semester we'll do wound dressings, catheters, postop medication via IV, ostomy care....I'm really looking forward to working with only RNs as well, I find that the personal support workers add a different dynamic.

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