Yoga is changing my life....

....and I meant to start writing about this when I went to my first class because it was so powerful, but everything got in the way and I was working a million nightshifts and I kept putting it off. Now it's a month later, and I think I need to start at the beginning....

February 27, 2012.

I had a certain amount of trepidation going to my first Hot Foundation class at Sanguine Yoga. My only other hot yoga experience was at a Bikram studio in Toronto and I came away from that class extremely intimidated and discouraged, so I was expecting something similar and had a hard time relaxing before the class started. I signed up for an unlimited 39$ month and thought "well, at least I don't have to keep going if it doesn't work out/work into my schedule/make me feel good/insert excuse here."

That first class changed my life.

"All you have to do is show up," said the instructor. "Even if you just sit on your mat the entire class, you made it in the door." And I thought "Hey, I can do that! Even after a 12 hour shift, I can show up and sit on the mat."

I busted myself that class. I was shaking and dripping at the end, but I managed to pull off most of the poses, and more importantly--I felt good doing them. The language was easy, I could "see" my body where the instructor was leading it and I didn't need to look around at other people to know when my form was good. The pace was perfect and the overwhelming feeling in the entire class was so positive. My heart was very open the entire time, which hasn't been happening for me lately.

And at the end of the class, resting on my mat, I started to cry. It came from a deep place, a well of unhappiness--not with my work, or my relationship, or my living situation, but with ME. My body in particular, my goals and dreams off track because of my body. I am limited by my weight, limited by the lack of fitness in my life, and the overwhelming sadness and poor self esteem that comes from this. The lack of energy, the self-loathing whenever I sabotage a good fitness routine. It comes from me, and I had been letting it win, over and over again. It is ruining my health and happiness. I take it out on my husband, I allow it to wall me off, I carry a chip on my shoulder because of it.

After that first hot class, for the first time since I was my "skinny" self back in Europe, ten years ago, I felt like I was winning. That is what yoga gave me.

So this will be a continuing journey. I went to 7 classes this month, which isn't as many as I'd have liked, but I kept going. I went after day shifts and after night shifts. I went in the morning and in the afternoon. I went late at night. Sometimes I sat on my mat more than others--but that's happening less and less. And I am feeling different. Positive. Alive. Energetic.

So now I'm a member--I'm in. I ordered a mat and towel from Jade Yoga. Expensive, but worth it. I have a self confidence I can practice in my basement. It's priceless, and I am on my way!


Sobeys "Baby Be Friendly" program is exactly the opposite of Baby Friendly!

Dear Sobey's,

As a regular customer at Sobey's, I've generally been happy with your food quality and the great variety of products in your stores across Canada.

Today, however, I received a troubling Facebook advertisement for your "Baby Be Friendly" promotional program. Scrolling through the comments about the program, I noticed that you are giving out free formula samples as part of this program.

As an RN working in Labour and Delivery and a breastfeeding advocate in general, I find this line of promotion to be very unethical. In fact, it directly contradicts the WHO International Code of Marketing of Breast-milk substitutes (accessible here:http://www.who.int/nutrition/publications/infantfeeding/9241541601/en/index.html) which states "there should be no point-of-sale advertising, giving of samples, or any other promotion device to induce sales directly to the consumer at the retail level" (WHO Int. Code of Marketing of Breastmilk Substitutes, 1981, pg 17).

Giving samples of infant formula to mothers who may not have access to proper education regarding the importance of exclusive breastfeeding, especially to the 6 month mark, can severely undermine a mother's confidence in her own ability to feed her baby and create problems early in the breastfeeding relationship. There is in-depth recent research which suggests that we should not only be teaching mothers of the benefits of breastfeeding (health and social, for both mother and baby) but should be teaching them the quantifiable risks associated with formula feeding--higher rates of diabetes, and increased risk of allergies among the most common.

Your corporation is in a position to create a precedent in Canada in terms of creating early education to pregnant mothers. I urge you to alter your Baby Be Friendly program to include relevant, current research on the importance of breastfeeding and perhaps even access to local community supports such as Lactation Consultants and La Leche League peer support groups instead of (or at least in addition to) giving away sample packages of infant formula under the misleading term "Baby Friendly."



Well, it's a start!

Yesterday I had a few things planned--and I think I got through about half of them, which is a start right? I didn't make it to the gym or rollerskating, but I did clean house, do laundry, and put up our curtains (finally, three months later!)--I also made a huge pot of soup! So I'm good. I'm not shooting for 100% yet, just a change from what I was achieving before--which felt like basically nothing.

This morning I was up before 8 (getting up early on days off is a real struggle for me, but if I don't it ensures a screwy sleeping pattern...) and had a real breakfast. Not just coffee!

In other news, I ordered some "carb blockers" from Amway and have started taking them before meals. We'll see what happens. I'm really considering going gluten free for 3 months or so to see what changes.


I'm going to try some new things....

I've been inspired recently by my sister Jenn's blog For The Love of Bikram --chronicling her self-challenge with Bikram Yoga. I read it and I think "I would love to do something like this!" and "I should be more active." I think "I should get out more," and "I need to be more disciplined."

I think a lot. More than I do, really. I am fantastic at imagining how well I will do something, how good I'll feel when I hit my goal, how happy I'll be when all my hard work pays off. I sometimes stay in bed longer than I need to, imagining it all.

Well screw that. I'm going to start doing things, I've decided. Yesterday, I started by starting to Geocache with my sister Jill. Randomly, unplanned. It was a rush of a totally different kind when we uncovered a little tiny log book rolled up inside a very clever fake piece of pipe. I was tired from working the night before, but I dragged my butt out of bed. Afterwards, I went to see a movie with my uncle. And this morning, after seeing the Muppets with Caanan, we went looking for another Geocache (didn't find this one, apparently you need to be a squirrel--but the chase was fun!) and we just enjoyed being outside.

Tomorrow? My first rollerskating endeavor. I have all the gear--for so many things--I just need to start using it.


Muppet Thor!

My awesome husband, Caanan Grall, recently took on the 24 hour Comikaze challenge and spent his 24 hours working on Muppet Thor! I'm so darn proud I could spit, and have been spamming celebrities on Twitter, hoping for a random RT that millions of people will see, because he deserves it--but until that happens, I'm just going to keep on spreading the word and reading it over and over and over and over and over between episodes of Scrubs.

Seriously, you should check it out. While you're there, read some of his ongoing strip, Max Overacts. If you enjoy witty, silly, poignant humor about life in all its' glorious inequity, Max will win you over!


I have a kitty underfoot, and a song in my heart....

...life is sweet. You know that feeling you get when your heart is bursting at the seams, and even though everything is chaos and nutty you're happy, because things are the way they ought to be? That's me, today. Stretched out along my right leg is a chubby black kitty with a big mouth, and my iTunes is full of new music to explore. Today there were twins, difficult situations, and a mother who delights in just being a mother. Tomorrow there will be moving boxes, several million stairs, some highway drives.....

The icing on the cake? Last night my husband and I took a drive to the drive-through Subway (thank you, Nova Scotia!) and made out in the car waiting for our food to be passed through the tiny window, and I fell in love with him all over again, just by looking at him.

This is my family, and they are my home.


I'm starting from scratch....

....with life, with living space, with work, with blogging---well, okay, the job I just started in July is staying the same but it still feels relatively new--and hopefully at the end of this, my 31st year alive, I'll have a somewhat smaller, much much MUCH healthier body to work with.

My dear friend at The Naked Catwalk has a theory: that we set ourselves up to fail every New Years' Day by making resolutions we think will somehow magically change our very self-ness. I think in many ways, she's right--we take too much on, we set the bar too high, we think that somehow we will be thinner, prettier, more interesting, more well-read, more intelligent, better parents, lovers, friends, all because we resolved to make it so. In reality? It takes a whole lot of work to lose 1/3 of your body weight (or even 1/8th) and in many ways even MORE work to change the person you are into the one you wish to become.

This year? I would like to be healthier, in all the ways I can. Healthier in body--1/3 less body, if I have my way!--and in mind, and in marriage. I would like to spend more time doing for others and more time learning to do for myself. I would like to think that I will get these things started--but I know, beyond a doubt, that I will be resolving the same things in different ways next year.

I think I can.


I done went and got myself married!

We do everything backwards--honeymoon before marriage license, which comes before we book the hall, and he asks me on the streetcar on the way home from planning the when and where of our actual wedding. I am fuming because somehow, he has managed to get out of actually giving me a proposal, and when I turn to him to say something and he says "do you think this one will fit?" I look down at the ring he is holding and ask him if he found it on the seat of the tram when we sat down.

It turns out his mother sent the ring from Australia, and this has been brewing for a little while, and all the things I worried about are for nothing because here is a man who would like our paths to run side by side.

So on December 21st, in a little room in City Hall, we gathered our friends and some family and pronounced to the world (and later to Facebook) that we are sharing our lives through the best of times and the worst of times.

He will never tired of kissing me, he promises, and he will never tire of looking at my beautiful face, and I cannot think of anything else that I want or desire.

Life is sweet.



We're going to Europe in September!  FOR A MONTH!  
I don't even know what to start planning or who to start calling, it's the awesomest thing ever and it'll actually be feasible because I'm getting a mondo tax refund. 

Where to go?  What to do?  Who to see?  

On another note, I'm up at almost 5 am researching Eurail passes and flight options because I was on nights for two weeks and my internal clock is fucked.  Good thing I start days tomorrow :D  


It's 2 am, where is YOUR relationship headed?

It always starts the same way
with me doubting myself
and assuming that doubt carries--
So at 2 am, I roll over and start to cry
and he's in tune, and knows something is wrong
and we have that conversation
curled up on the couch
(because the bedroom is a safe place).
I ask him where it's all going
and cry a bit when he's honest and
says "I don't know yet"
And then he does something that makes me laugh
and after I warn him:
"I won't wait for 10 years--I'm too good for that,"
I realize I probably would wait the 10 years.
And I probably won't have to.